One sentence.....

I write this post with quite a bit of apprehension, it's really putting raw feelings out there. Not only that, it's a lot of who I've become, and why I may never fully allow anyone to penetrate the deepest part of my soul. To many, it might seem like nothing, but in one night, with one sentence I knew I would never fully be whole again. It's not life shattering to most but it was to me. Every fear I have ever had about love, marriage, & life was drastically about to change. Funny thing is I didn't have a clue as to how much it's affected me until recently. My whole life (after puberty anyway) I have battled my weight. I Am the oldest of 3 girls, like most girls you compare yourself to those around you, lucky me I was blessed with two incredibly beautiful sisters. That also has been a curse, not for them of course, but for me. I have never walked into a room and felt like all eyes were on me, I've not been told by very many I was beautiful, without there being a ulterior motive. Anyway, I always was shy, awkward, while my sisters were confident, and outgoing. I remember in high school people asking me if I was Tiffany's sister. I was the older one and I was known as her sister, I never quite found my spot, not in school, not in my family, not really anywhere. That being said, I figure now that was as much my fault as anyone's. Well here I am 41, STILL dating, going through the everyday struggles of life magnified by ten, and I had an epiphany. In the middle of the night. When I was asleep. Which if anyone knows me, knows I haven't slept more than a few hours a night in over 5 years. I was quite irritated to tell you the truth, because I was actually asleep, woke up, literally sat up in my bed, and knew why I had given up on trying to get weight off. Recently, I put on weight like crazy, after my divorce I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't do anything but exist. I was intent on focusing on my children, my job, and making dang sure the future wasn't going to be a repeat of the past. With that, I lost a lot of weight, for me anyway. I will never be a size 2 or 4 or probably even a 6, but that was the first time I started getting compliments on how I looked. It was exhilarating and terrifying all at once. Since then I've gone up or down by five pounds no biggie until recently. I really have no idea why, stress? Lack of sleep? Hormone issues? Thyroid? In our society, with all the images of what you are supposed to look like and be like (yes even at 40) it's almost impossible to have any sort of self confidence, unless you were born with it or are lucky enough to be a model, or succeed in other areas of life. That being said maybe there are a lot more people out there who have no clue what I'm talking about and I'm the only one without any self confidence. Ok, I get off track easily, back to the night I woke up from a dead sleep. I woke up, sat up, and started crying, tears, big tears, one right after the other, in the middle of the night, I had me a soul cleansing cry. It's time to take control of my life, try to be healthy, even if I don't loose much, and try very hard to find me. Me....two little letters, I'm bawling, glad no one is there to witness this, and all I can think of are those two letters, ME. How can I focus on me when there is so much going on in my life, so much negative. I don't literally have time to take care of me. Since I was awake bawling like a baby, I took notes, I keep a pen and notepad by my bed, the first sentence I wrote was the same sentence I was told about 5 1/2 years ago "I know what's wrong with us, I'm not in love with you, I'm in love with your sister" the next thing I wrote, this can not define me anymore, and then how do I love me?? I am staying unhealthy & fat so I don't get attention/how can anyone love this?/ I don't love this, I've never loved this/ what do I do? And there it is, one sentence that was told to me after an affair, after substance abuse was at its highest level, at the tail end of my marriage, and it wasn't, I'm in love with the person I cheated on you with, I'm not in love with random so and so, it was one of the people I compared myself to everyday of my life, wanted to be like, so now Not only was I not good enough to keep him from cheating on me, I was never good enough, I was the "consolation" prize. My whole life was a sham, and for once I see that maybe my determination to make it on my own, wasn't only being stubborn, independent and trying to prove to this harsh, unforgiving world I could do it on my own, but that it was a reason to hide from it, from not ever having ANYONE, friend, guy, family, ever get that close to me again. I may have hormonal issues, too much stress or some other problem, and I may not loose one pound. It's Friday Feb 28, 2014, I started my diet 5 days ago.