One sentence.....

I write this post with quite a bit of apprehension, it's really putting raw feelings out there. Not only that, it's a lot of who I've become, and why I may never fully allow anyone to penetrate the deepest part of my soul. To many, it might seem like nothing, but in one night, with one sentence I knew I would never fully be whole again. It's not life shattering to most but it was to me. Every fear I have ever had about love, marriage, & life was drastically about to change. Funny thing is I didn't have a clue as to how much it's affected me until recently. My whole life (after puberty anyway) I have battled my weight. I Am the oldest of 3 girls, like most girls you compare yourself to those around you, lucky me I was blessed with two incredibly beautiful sisters. That also has been a curse, not for them of course, but for me. I have never walked into a room and felt like all eyes were on me, I've not been told by very many I was beautiful, without there being a ulterior motive. Anyway, I always was shy, awkward, while my sisters were confident, and outgoing. I remember in high school people asking me if I was Tiffany's sister. I was the older one and I was known as her sister, I never quite found my spot, not in school, not in my family, not really anywhere. That being said, I figure now that was as much my fault as anyone's. Well here I am 41, STILL dating, going through the everyday struggles of life magnified by ten, and I had an epiphany. In the middle of the night. When I was asleep. Which if anyone knows me, knows I haven't slept more than a few hours a night in over 5 years. I was quite irritated to tell you the truth, because I was actually asleep, woke up, literally sat up in my bed, and knew why I had given up on trying to get weight off. Recently, I put on weight like crazy, after my divorce I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't do anything but exist. I was intent on focusing on my children, my job, and making dang sure the future wasn't going to be a repeat of the past. With that, I lost a lot of weight, for me anyway. I will never be a size 2 or 4 or probably even a 6, but that was the first time I started getting compliments on how I looked. It was exhilarating and terrifying all at once. Since then I've gone up or down by five pounds no biggie until recently. I really have no idea why, stress? Lack of sleep? Hormone issues? Thyroid? In our society, with all the images of what you are supposed to look like and be like (yes even at 40) it's almost impossible to have any sort of self confidence, unless you were born with it or are lucky enough to be a model, or succeed in other areas of life. That being said maybe there are a lot more people out there who have no clue what I'm talking about and I'm the only one without any self confidence. Ok, I get off track easily, back to the night I woke up from a dead sleep. I woke up, sat up, and started crying, tears, big tears, one right after the other, in the middle of the night, I had me a soul cleansing cry. It's time to take control of my life, try to be healthy, even if I don't loose much, and try very hard to find me. Me....two little letters, I'm bawling, glad no one is there to witness this, and all I can think of are those two letters, ME. How can I focus on me when there is so much going on in my life, so much negative. I don't literally have time to take care of me. Since I was awake bawling like a baby, I took notes, I keep a pen and notepad by my bed, the first sentence I wrote was the same sentence I was told about 5 1/2 years ago "I know what's wrong with us, I'm not in love with you, I'm in love with your sister" the next thing I wrote, this can not define me anymore, and then how do I love me?? I am staying unhealthy & fat so I don't get attention/how can anyone love this?/ I don't love this, I've never loved this/ what do I do? And there it is, one sentence that was told to me after an affair, after substance abuse was at its highest level, at the tail end of my marriage, and it wasn't, I'm in love with the person I cheated on you with, I'm not in love with random so and so, it was one of the people I compared myself to everyday of my life, wanted to be like, so now Not only was I not good enough to keep him from cheating on me, I was never good enough, I was the "consolation" prize. My whole life was a sham, and for once I see that maybe my determination to make it on my own, wasn't only being stubborn, independent and trying to prove to this harsh, unforgiving world I could do it on my own, but that it was a reason to hide from it, from not ever having ANYONE, friend, guy, family, ever get that close to me again. I may have hormonal issues, too much stress or some other problem, and I may not loose one pound. It's Friday Feb 28, 2014, I started my diet 5 days ago. 

catching up

Wow it has been since November since my last post??? Where does the time go? I will attempt to play catch up a little bit. Today is August 1st, 2011 so much has happened that I am not sure where to start so I will list what I can remember and fill in blanks and descriptions in future posts!
1. Kennedy turns 16   
2.Thanksgiving at Tiffs and Christmas at Kristi and Tiffs
3.Christmas almost ruined by ex husband
4.My cute boyfriend shovels snow in winter, mows in summer
5.New year....New hope
6.Kids suppose to go with their dad to Disneyland...gets DUI on way to pick them up
7.Starts a new job..so total of two jobs now
8.George Strait concert with boyfriend :)
9.Jarrett turns 8, Bailee turns 14
10.house goes into foreclosure one of worst days in my life
11.scrambling to find apartment, downsize, move, yard sales etc
12.kids spend most of summer with Tiffany
13.Sunday dinners at Burke's parents
14, getting to know boyfriends family also :)
15. struggling to find me...still and feeling worthy of love and attention
16.Jarrett's baptism and grandma ends up in hospital
17. Tristan get married, Ashlee separated, old feelings crop up, and wishful feelings of future also
18. Grandma gets pacemaker
19. Facebook a lifeline or a curse?
20.school starts in two half weeks and I am not even close to ready
21. Bailee to start school soon and high school at that
22.everyone around me seems to be falling apart at the seams, tugs at my heart immensely
23.Fourth of July at park, BBQ, fireworks
24. Stampede
25.24th of July celebration and fireworks
26. a lot of other little things to add into these major events when I get a chance
27. Love and Hate my life all at the same time
28.Trying to find forgiveness and move on
29. Meeting and loving a whole bunch of new people in my life
30. Not able to attend 20yr class reunion......can't believe its been 20 yrs
31.Divorced now for over two years and really ready to close that chapter and move on
32. Kennedy's quest for driver license and volleyball
33.everyday moments that remind me how lucky I am

wow...where does the time go????

I have really slacked at posting! I was going to be better about it but man oh man time goes by fast. A lot has happened in the last few months and since my last post. I am working like a crazy woman, yet can't quite seem to catch up on anything, hmmmmm. I will try to recap the last few months the best I can. Kennedy has started working at Arby's I am so proud at how responsible and mature she is. She has been saving money like crazy so she can play Viper( A Provo, Utah volleyball club) thanks to my parents offering to match what she saved Kennedy was able to pay for all but $150.00 of it! The club goes from Dec. to May and she will play approx 76 matches. It is so fun to watch her play and enjoy the sport! I am so proud of Bailee, she has to pick up the slack with both Kennedy and I working, she is a really good "mommy" to Jarrett and I rarely have to worry about them! Bailee is having a great year at school so far. I can't believe how fast they are all growing up, it is amazing to me because I just don't feel very old. :) Jarrett is Jarrett he is one little boy with a ton of energy and personality. I am so lucky to have the kids I have. We still haven't really got in a grove since the divorce but we are surviving...barely. I AM TOTALLY LOVING MY LIFE! We celebrated Kennedy's 16th birthday. Thanks to My Sisters Tiff & Kris I was able to take 11 of us up to Salt Lake City and we went to Castle of Chaos then spent the night at Tiff and Aaron's in North Salt Lake, the next day we went shopping at the Layton Hills mall and that night we went to Nightmare mansion! I had a blast with Kennedy, her friends, and my sisters...I can't believe she is 16. Listening to the girls chatter makes my day, they aren't jaded yet, all their hopes and dreams and boys keeps me young and almost makes me wish I could go back and do so many things different. I borrowed Hansen's suburban and we jammed out to many songs and lots of noise as teenage girls try to out talk each other. haha! It was very memorable and I hope they had a great time. The next "big" thing in my life is Burke. I pretty much gave up on the idea of finding anyone that was "normal". I tell you what, loneliness is not a place I like to be and although I have had plenty of dates, and a couple guys I thought were great, nothing just seemed to work. I resigned myself to believe that I was going to be alone....who knows I still might be, but life is looking up! Since the middle of August when we started talking, I just knew there was something different about this one. It is so hard for me to believe I deserve anyone, much less a good looking, easy to talk to, easy going, hard working, fun to be with, guy that makes me laugh on a daily basis. Its been a roller coaster of emotions.Mostly really good, the only thing not so good has been my insecurities and worry. We have been to a few concerts....Gary Allan, Brad Paisley with Darius Rucker which were an absolute blast!!! Since September we have spent very few days apart. He is so good with my kids and the absolutely adore and respect him. I don't know what will happen but I have learned to trust and love again, which is huge for me considering the gigantic walls I have built up around myself and my heart. I am looking forward to a week off and spending the Thanksgiving holiday with my sisters and hopefully my mom, dad, and grandma! Mom has been so sick since the first of October and I worry about her. I hope she will feel better soon! It is so nice having family within an hour of me and I don't know what I would do without them!!! I am so loving life. I am not going to ruin it with what has been going on with Cary but lets just say rehab(again), non payment of child support and alimony, he's not running his agency he is selling cars, and trying to trap me in a house I can't afford...other then that life is grand! I am job hunting and trying to get things in order so I can hopefully keep the kids here in our small Utah town that I love and I call home. Well its not a detailed post but kind of a recap of last few months....Good Day All!!

Long week!

It has been a loooooong week! I am struggling lately to find my place in this world! I worked four days straight, which almost killed me off! Met and have talked to a nice guy so that's a plus! Might be teaching scrapbook classes which is huge excitement for me!I would love to be in an industry where I could show people how to preserve their memories! VOLLEYBALL started! Women's league will go for 3 months this year and I am so excited, but very, very sore today lol, some days I wonder if I am too old to do this much longer, but once it's in your blood it stays and I love it. even if the body fights me on it, I will win and play! This week I have been reminded of the preciousness of life! Josie and Kyle Bell lost their baby girl! She was still born! So sad! Grateful for eternal families! Sad time for them and I wish I could help or say the right thing! No words or actions could help them I am sure right now, so just prayers! I have really been attempting to have a more positive attitude at work lately! It seems to work, but people don't think I am genuine, and that kinda ticks me off! I love telling people I am fantastic and seeing their reactions, what has our world come to with people not believing someone is having a good day? Yes my job is monotonous at times, but I truly enjoy where I am at and the laid back life I have! In my great little town! I people watch everyday, and I sure want to be remembered for being happy go lucky instead of the ornery gas station girl! People genuinely are nice if you are genuine with them, and the couple that are ornery change the whole feeling around you, the negative energy is so not good.....its hard to explain, but I really do love putting a smile on someones face and getting to learn from people! Tomorrow a day off from work, but gotta get a ton of paperwork done and High School football game tmrw night! Then opening the store Saturday morning at 4 am! Then Sunday playing the piano, then hopefully going to Kristi's in Herriman for Brooklyn's Birthday! Can't believe that little bugger is one!

George Strait - The Breath You Take [ New Video + Download ]

I love this song right now, to me this song hits home for me!!!! Life is hard right now, not just for me but for so many I love! I am so lost right now and don't really know how to find my way back to a real, happy, content, truthful place! I watch my kids struggle to find their place and today as I talked to Kennedy about meeting her future step mom my heart breaks for all the sad reality we have to live! I am sad that an addiction and poor choices have come in between our eternal family, although I try to stay positive and know that everything happens for a reason, I really question on days like today, "why us?" "what's out there for me?" I am so alone and spinning my wheels, and there is no worse feeling then like your all alone! On top of that to try to explain what is going on in a positive way to the kids, when all I want to do is scream, "I don't know why he decided to choose a bottle and a woman, over us" Oh just give me the strength to get through today, let me worry about tomorrow, tomorrow! I am so fortunate in so many ways! Yet, I am scared, I thought I found love again, I guess not so I am heartbroken, I don't know how to support my kids, and being a failure at yet another thing doesn't appeal to me right now! One of those days where I wonder how and if I will make it through this! Also since the divorce was finalized and Cary moved out 18 months ago I am starting to get the "I really want to be a part of a couple" bug again, even though I am no where near ready, I just want to take care of and be taken care of! How do you learn patience with so many questions and wanting someone/something that doesn't want you back! One of those, poor me days, but I will deal and move on, just a bad day! I do love this song and hope I can let it inspire me to take stock in what is really important!

School Starts.....Sanity Returns

Not that I don't love my children being around and enjoying summer, but by the time August rolls around, I am tired of the bickering, messy house, running all over, and spending money on extra activities! Kennedy starts her Sophmore year, Bailee is in 8th grade, and caboose Jarrett is in 2nd grade! I hope to get back into a routine, and organized! Life is crazy! On other hand the Divorce is finally done, finite, over, it has been a long, hard,lonely, emotional, crazy, horrible, exhilerating, unbearable ride, and it's finally OVER!!!! Sad....yes, it is hard for me to know I failed again at something so big, but I hope I can learn to love again and be loved, but we will see what life and love has to offer me! I have never been so happy, yet so sad at the same time, my heart hurts daily for my children and pray that they come through this as "normal" as possible!!! Love my life!!!! Good and Bad!!!!

What a week

Wanted to post couple pics that makes me smile....me and the girls! Love them. This has been a crazy week! The rodeo was a blast, work not so much! I love where I am at but it's still very difficult being single mom! Cary has made it harder! He keeps disappointing the kids and I have a hard time watching them be sad! I worked at 4am the last three days, which makes me a little cranky(ok a lot cranky) cause I don't sleep....Friday after work, Kennedy and I went to get Bailee and Jarrett at Tiff's new house in North Salt Lake, and then I was going to take kids to Cary's.I love Tiff's house it's gorgeous, although you climb about 10,000 feet in a mile...lol! It has a gorgeous view and golf course in the back yard! Both my sisters have great views! I have view of  the "J" hill! I love where I live though! Anyway, I get up there and visit, and Cary won't answer his phone, or texts! The kids and I wait for 3 hours, and nothing! We ended up going to dinner at Village Inn and then heading home! Poor Jarrett was so sad! It angers me sooooo much that I have to pick up the pieces when he pulls this crap! That and I am at work this morning and I get a call from him at 5 am and he wants to come get the kids! Oh My Goodness! I shouldn't get upset, but I hate when he does this and thinks he has done nothing wrong! He hasn't even called the kids to apologize! He just lets it go. Makes me so sad that this is where he is in his life! I feel so bad for him! On to other things! I am so proud of my Kennedy she got a job at Arby's! She is so excited, and so am I.....she has an expensive clothes habit! :) Bailee and Jarret had a great time with Aunt Tiff and Uncle Aaron, Rylee, Kaleb, and Noah this last week! I Love My Sisters and their willingness to help me! My Kids Love them! I wish I was a better Aunt, right now I feel guilty cause I have nothing to give anyone! I am so exhausted and don't really know what to do with my life.......personally and financial, it's so tough to try and figure out what to be when I grow up! Life really is good, sometimes I get caught up in the Drama of it all and it overwhelms but I am so blessed! I am trying to change my attitude and it is so hard to change negative thinking! The last few years have probably been the most challenging and I never thought I could or would live through it! I need to appreciate the little things more, so today I am grateful for watching and listening to the kids play! such innocence and imaginations! Jarret played with Connor Dinkel! I am so sad the are moving to Texas in a week and Jarret will miss his little buddy, but so fun to listen to the games they play! I love it!